The Dark Ages

As I've said several times, I HIGHLY doubt that anyone in the universe reads my blog, since I blog so infrequently. Usually, I blog when I'm within seconds of my breaking point. Here we are, yet again. lol. Not much has changed.

I remember a period in history class I learned about referred to as the dark ages. It was the time in which there was thought to be no considerable growth in society, it was supposed to be a time where there was a decline in the society. The great Roman empire had hit its peak prior to this period. There were great advancements in architecture, styles, literature during the Roman empire; and then it collapsed. After the collapse of the empire were the Dark Ages. After the Dark Ages was the beginning of the Renassaince, and we all know how wonderful the rebirth was for all aspects of life.

I guess this is where I am now. I am actively in the Darkest of my Ages. Horrible grades, complicated love life. Grief @ work and home, and I finally realized my "friends" are few and far between, and those who I hold in the highest regards... I shouldnt. So, here I am, in the Dark Ages, waiting for this time in my life to be renamed the Middle Ages.

After a while, people reviewed the Dark Ages and decided that the period was necessary for the Rebirth to be as wonderful as it was. So they took the Darkness out of the ages, and more appropriately named it the Middle Ages. The time in between greatness. I'm gonna regard this time before greatness as the baking time. Here I am, at my worst and darkest ages.

Can't wait to be reborn...

My Name

I'm starting to kinda like the sound of my own last name
Don't wanna hold it forever, but I'm a strong woman and I would like, although I do not need, an even stronger man to support me.
And if he don't hold me down like my Dad does then his name and mine are nothing more than oil and vinger and they simply dont mix
They need to sound so good together they make sense.
I want our names to match like mac 'n' cheese or PB&J.... better yet, I want it to sound soothing like Cambells, just Mmmm Mmmm Good!
I want a name that commands my first name to the point that there is a magnetic, undeniable force that needs the two to be joined at the hip forever.
They type of last name that in my eyes is so powerful that it can protect the identity of my first by allowing me to use Mrs as a shield of honor and the first name you have to go thru before even becoming aquaintented, because my man, simply doesn't play the "everyone has my wife's name in their mouth game"
Therefore my king, you must put your best self forward because you are now the owner of a thorough-bred and you need to make sure you're a hair faster than me so you can catch me if I miss something in my blindspot

Stick It (Dreams II)

I got the dreams, I got the juice.... hard part over

Now what do I do?

How do I make them stick?

Maybe, I should just swallow some glue and pray I don't get sick

"Get your head out the clouds"

"Get a grip"

Little do they now I have a firm grasp on this dream and I can't let it slip

Can't let it vanish into thin air

I need it to survive, need it to thrive, I need this dream to keep me alive

It's like bringing a knife to a gun fight

Bringin Dream into a room of pesimist.

He almost always looses, that is unless your dream is swift

quick and agile on it's feet

able to shake the haters and those who linger in disbelief

Shield it from them, misery loves company and birds of a feather flock together

so let your head stay in the clouds, thats where it belongs

right along with the eagles and always clear weather.

Not Just a Speach

They've told you to do it since the beginning of time

"Dream big, you can be anything you want to be"

At some point down the line, the word dream began to take a negative connotation in my life. It became synonomous with fantasy and unattainable. I guess because some peoples dreams come true, and not all dreams are good. - They're downright nightmares

And as per usual, it just takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch. So dreaming became obsolete. Let alone dreaming big and fearlessly.

Fortunately for some, they untangle the cord of this game of telephone and get the message clear. Dreaming is ok. Dreaming bigger is even better. And stop at nothing to make your dream a reality.

Thank God for the dreamers. With out them where would we be? Martin had a dream. And so did Israel. Lets not forget about Joseph. These are some of the greatest dreams ever recorded

So shout outs to those with the courage and faith to dream, it is the essence of life. Making them come to fruition is simply the icing on the cake

I kinda like this one. =)

Hey Ya'll!

Ok, So to the 4 or 5 of you that read this blog (and I think that is a MAJOR overstatment) My apologies, life has been getting in the way of blogging. Took me a while to realize but maybe it is better that I write the ish down, who knows? Might make a decent book one of these days.

"I been gone for a minute now I'm back with the jump off!"

I'm F@&^in' Up (oldie frm the archives)

So, needless to say, I've been facing a lot of adversities. Then again, which adult who is self suffienct doesn't have adversity. Mine however involve a personal issue with learning how to say F U to someone and trully mean it. I would LOVE to be able to look at or think of a person with complete distain and hate them. And yes, hate is a strong word... blah blah blah and you shouldn't wear white after labor day but the shit happens.

While at church today, (I finally went) I heard probably the most ridiculous thing I heard my pastor say ever. Please, do not misunderstand. My pastor is a learned brother. Humble, wholesome and very real with his. Apparently there is a little acronym floating around in Vaction Bible School's across the nation that preach J-O-Y. This is the order in which you should love. J for Jesus. (Ok, I'm totally with that.) O for others. (Huh?) and Y for you. (yes ,you finish dead last) Seriously, I kinda been rockin with this for a while. I thought about it and time and time again, no matter how many times I have been caught butt naked and beaten with a wet rag by some raggedy assed people I STILL look for the good, believe good excuses and try to cope.

.... theres a patient in the ER high on PCP.... im pretty sure some shit like this drove him to it.. lol. excuse me while I consult my pusher

Funk

Im in a funk. And I want to write. But I can't think of anything to write. I'm feelin a whole lot of shit but in no means want to do a complaining or sappy post. Shit happens and I seriously think this year was one for the history books. I'm different. It took a year and a day but I think I'm jaded and it may or may not be a good thing. I think the rose colored glasses that i once wore are now a thing of the past and I'm a little bit more selfish and a lot more skeptical of others. Down right not trusting people. Like seriously. I feel like I can't trust a soul in the world right now, maybe with the exception of my mother who honestly can't be my best friend because talking to her at times is an incredible testimony and trial of my patience.

Ex

1) "Mom, I really need a car"... her response

" Well, I went to church and someone drove there this one time and we had lunch after and the lunch was good even though I didn't expect it to be."

Seriously

In the midst of this tranisition maybe I gotta cut the umbilical cord. Or I may hang myself for being so frustrated.

*******

I've been on this binge with Twilight. I think I will right a post about my love affair with the saga soon.

*******

I had a final today, didnt study a lick and showed up 45 minutes late

*******

I found out yesterday that emotional drinkin is simply not for me

*******

Fuck this, I need a pedicure.

1

Best Medicine

Aiight, 3:45 AM, typing a paper. Thoughts are all over the place. So I took a study break and got my extreme creative writing on. Naturally it was inspired by my paper I'm writing for Pathophysiology. Guess what topic we're on? STDs and urinary and reproductive disorders. Guess who is highest on the totem pole for getting HIV? You, guessed it, black women. Guess how many of those black women contracted the disease from their MONOGOMOUS partner? More than half. Hope more of you knew this information prior to reading this. Hope this is no news. If not. Wake up ladies. Wake up fellas. SHIT IS REAL!



*****

Baby u aint Babu and I ain’t got no Lupe Cool Thoughts for you
Only thing I got for you is heat
Your face is about to get stomped on like my sister steppin beats
I have no idea how you got time to be up in those streets
When I just bought some Egyptian cotton sheets
Lets not forget the candles or the bubble bath I ran
Still doesn’t make a difference to this simple assed man
Cant see that he’s passin up a Mercedes for the mystery van
So go on ahead and leave dependability to satisfy your curiousity
You will be satisfied at first but soon realize the monstrosity
Trying to get full off of a snack wrap
Not knowin that that nasty bitch would make you get the clap
Now you thought you come on back to old faithful
This poem lets you know that I’m nothing but hateful
And you’re lucky disease got to you before I did
Cuz hunny , you would be runnin ‘round this bitch wit no eyelids
Then maybe you would be able to see a little better
Make you would soak up that the grass aint always greener where its wetter
Thought u were big pimpin
Now your third leg is limpin
Please don’t get mad when I laugh, didn’t mean to sin
But in my case laughter is the best medicine

I Run This

Disclaimer***

This post is not supposed to be raunchy, nasty or anything of the sort. It's supposed to be real

No, this is not your pussy
It's mine
So please
Don't ask while your smacking my ass all wild.

"Who's pussy is this"

I will simply respond, it is mine

I am the one who takes care of this bitch.
I am the one who knows her every want and desire
I am the one who anticipates and tells her when to come
I run her, she in no way runs me
So please, understand
That my pussy is a part of me
Not the other way around
I love her
She's my bitch
But seriously
She's mine, not yours
And I have the right to share her with whoever I deem worthy, regardless of whether they are or not
I also have the right to deny you access to her, whenever I so chose.

Didn't know that some men simply didn't get it.

Hate to quote Beyonce but " If you like it then you should have put a ring on it" (or at least a commitment)

ROTFL

A few posts down I was talking about my strained relationship with God. Where I felt the distance and honestly, I been missing him. Since then, I've been pretty stressed, dealing with a couple things that have had me a little shaken. Not necessarily shaken from Him but have shook me up quite a bit.

So I gave Him a call. I reached into that hotline of prayer and we gots a talking. We talked about my past 20 years and how much I have learned and have grown. We talked about every single, bump, scrape, and bruise I have endured and even the 5 car pile-ups and like He promised,...."One day, you're going to look back at this and laugh" It wasn't so funny at the time but now ROTFL:

I'm rolling laughing at my foolishness.
Rolling laughing at how much I thought I knew, when I had no clue
Rolling on the floor and laughing, how I though I could make a plan
Rolling with tears in my eyes on how I thought I needed a man
Pointing in the mirror hysterically laughing when I judged her as though I could
He has put some laughing gas in my possession and I am not afraid to use it
I love this substance and I cant wait to abuse it
He gave me life abundantly and I'll be damned if I lose it
I need to keep this feeling for ever so I better take the hits and use it
This feeling is so good I should juice it
Bottle it up and give it to the masses and watch them straight lose it
Lose their minds, lose there worries
Let 'em know that he's on his way with the good good, just in time, no need to hurry
So I'm relaxed cuz I know that he got me
And He Was in fact "worried about what club I went to with my homies"
but It's cool
Cuz He got me
When I was on the subway at 4 AM with you know who
It's cool cuz He got me
When I "tripped and fall, went up in raw"
He got me
Even when I didn't realize I am a "heaven-sent instrument"
He got me
So we sat back and had this rap
Laughed and laughed till my sides hurt
He laughed real hard at that one
Told me if I wanted to know about side pain to ask His Son
He told me to love that pain, because that's when the battle was won
Told me he went through that so I can get through this
He told me that it was all part of the plan, no accident
So now when I laugh, I'm gonna try to remember
and laugh when I thank him for getting me through the "coldest winter"

Some April Fool's Day

Not New but Still Painful

So, regardless of your faith you know that the first murder was of Abel commited by his brother Cain. I live in North Philadelphia and not much has changed. People killing their brothers at an alarming rate. This is not an ode to how much better I wish things could be. But a cry out at how angry I am that this feeling of grief is now a personal one for me and my family. My uncle was murdered. Im am in no way delusional enough to not understand that kharma is a bitch and the amount of people whose lives he has destroyed is insurmountable and essentially the man had it coming. But regardless of his transgressions, he was my Daddy's little brother and my uncle.



BY COREY ROBINSON Observer staff reporter robinsonc@jamaicaobserver.com

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

GUNMEN yesterday went on a murder spree in the Corporate Area and St Catherine, killing seven persons in an almost 15-hour span.

Five of the murders, including two double killings, occurred in the St Andrew North Police Division, pushing the murder tally in that area to 27 since the start of the year.


Carolyn Jenierre's mother (centre) is a picture of grief as she is comforted by her church sisters at her daughter's murder scene. (Photo: Michael Gordon)

Police, up until late yesterday, were only able to identify four of the dead. They are:

. Petrojam accountant Andre Jenniere, 45, and his wife, 39-year-old Carolyn - a lecturer at the University of Technology (UTech) School of Nursing;

. 63-year-old wholesale operator Elsie Armstrong; and

. gas station operator Sylvan McPherson, 38; ))

Among the dead was a security guard who the police alleged was the brother of dancehall artiste Desmond Ballentine, more popularly known as 'Ninjaman'.

In the first incident, which occurred at about 3:00 am, gunmen forced open a window to the Jennieres' home on Cypress Drive in Red Hills, St Andrew and sprayed them with bullets.

Police said that their blooded corpses were discovered shortly before dawn by their nine-year-old daughter, who, along with her younger brother, slept through their parents' murder in a separate room.

Yesterday, frightened neighbours, relatives and co-workers who gathered outside the Jennieres' home questioned the killers' motives.

"Why would someone want to hurt Carolyn. Carolyn would never hurt a fly," said a grieving Dr Sarafadeen Adebayo, head of the School of Pharmacy and Medical Sciences at UTech. "She does not deserve this... Government will have to do something about this [crime] problem 'cause when you have professionals who are supposed to help in the development of the country being murdered, it spells destruction for our future."

In the Armstrong murder, police said that they were puzzled as to how her attackers gained access to her apartment at the newly-opened Isles of Grosvenor housing scheme on Grosvenor Terrace, also in St Andrew, and murdered her as well as the security guard.

Both were found with stab wounds in separate apartments at about 6:00 am, police said.

While the cops were processing that scene about 3:00 pm, gunshots rang out at the Total gas station near the foot of Red Hills. On their arrival at the scene, police found McPherson's bullet-riddled body. The police were told that men on a motorcycle drove up and shot McPherson. He died on the spot.

In the St Catherine North Police Division, police are probing the murders of two unidentified men whose bodies were found with gunshot wounds to the back of their heads in bushes at Featherbed Lane in Spanish Town early yesterday morning.




Rest In Peace Uncle Cory, forever and always.

Better than the Movies

**Based on true events that I just witnessed less than 20 minutes ago**

So I overslept today. Alarm completely doesn't work so I awoke at 10, mind you, my class is at 9 and over at 12 and I have an exam at 2. SOOOO the goal was to be up and out the door at 830. My biological clock is completely off because I slept till 2pm, worked till 12am and went back to sleep at 4am so i can completely understand my body giving me the ill fuck you and your plans of academic success, sleep on playa! (fmylife.com/Ihateoversleeping) ((not an actual site, I just love reading fmylife, so when anything goes wrong, thats what I say))

I Digress***

I get up after this late morning start fiasco and hightail it (where did that phrase even come from) to the tech center bus stop so I can catch the shuttle, no point in wasting a token if you're already late. In the spirit of being late I decide to get breakfast, take a sit down at the window and enjoy.

A nice young man, white guy with long hair, torn clothes and an edgy look, with a 5'oclock shadow and killer blue eyes sits next to me. We both commence our breakfast sandwich eating in silence when this big blob of a frat boy plops himself next to Stone (I think the dude looks like his name should be) He's says

Blob: Dude....didn't you go out with Lindsey?
Stone: Yea, ummm, im sorry...whats your name?
Blob: Yea, my name is "blob"
Stone: Yea man, we're not together.
Blob: Dude, what happened?

PAUSE

Now, lets just back track for a second. Stone and Blob aren't even friends. After asking Stone, when Blob left, Stone tells me that Blob is one of Lindsey's friends that she went to a dance with last year and that they met once. All this means is that they don't know each other from a can of paint. So he has no idea whether Stone was contemplating suicide at the loss of Lindsey, or if it was sore topic, or if he was on the phone with some other chick, (bc rude blob came up and started this convo while Stone was on the phone)

PRESS PLAY

Stone: (Being ultra sexy and polite) Just didn't work out man, we want different things. She's 19, I'm 24. No fault of either of ours, just didnt work. We're at different places
Blob: O

Its like Blob was all disappointed by his answer and shit. I dunno. It made for a way better morning show than my usual Saved By The Bell repeats, figured I would share.

Tokyo

I've only been here for a day and I'm done with it. Not to say that I'm not going to enjoy the rest of my time here by any means, but I honestly don't think I can feel any happier or anymore appreciative of the experience. I'm really thankful that my mother and high school instilled the value and importance of traveling to me. It is something I will forever be indebted to them for.

Sliding Back

Back slider. Such a negative connotation. Here's the deal. I'm one of those kids who was grounded in the Lord. Been going to church before I was going to school. My mom did right by me. She made it her perogative to make sure that I had a basis, a foundation if you will in the Lord. She did everything in her power to foster my relationship with the Lord and planted the seed in my heart so that when I got older I would be able to make me and Jesus' relationship work, We would be able to go on my own.

Unfortunately, life got in the way. Life and public school. I never went but I sure did feel the world. Put a bunch of church kids from all over the 5 boroughs in the woods with minimal supervision. Yea, u do the math. That whole, trying to bring your kid up right thing goes out the window with a game of spin the bottle, hide n go get, and truth or dare.

Here's the problem. I'm 20 and feeling the conflict more than ever. Love to play those little kid games on a grown up scale. (I go to school and live away from my mommy. lol. supervision is not even in my vocabulary) I have always felt this feeling of being in an intense game of tug-of-war. I feel Mr. Man pulling me one way. With the sweet nothings, kisses, the horizontal mambo etc. and then I feel this need to be in church. Like I fien to listen to the choir in the morning. I feel like I need and want to be closer to Him but can't give up certain things of the world. I know that it is in my best interest. I ain't missing much and I got a whole lot more to gain by getting up and listening to the call to hasten to the throne but I feel like it has to be a clear cut choice. Like there is no in between. No half stepping. No being a Sabbath Christian for me. I hate the picking and the chosing of which of His commands I'm gonna listen to or not today. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but should it feel so impossible?

I haven't been to church since the new year began. And I genuinely attribute the fact that the new year hasn't been all that great to that. Why is it so easy to get a txt to go the bar or to a party, not want to go but get so easily convinced to go even when your spirit is simply saying to sit ya lil ass still. But mess around and know that you got church at 11 and that bed has never felt so comfortable. Tired isn't even the word, you are mysteriously exhausted from the whole week and need to sleep. I need my Mommy to hold my hand or something but something's got to give. I can't keep living like this. Getting to work or class for 8:40 aint that hard but 11 AM service is the jack. I am so disappointed in myself. For this more than anything.

How can everything else get shine but the Light? Humans baffle me.

Women are the Biz ( By Women I mean ME)

Women are the biz. Hands down. I feel like we have overcome so much. I am really happy that Barack won the election and all but I do feel in my heart of hearts that Hil would have done an excellent job as well. This isn't really a political post, its a testiment to woman and their ability to move on from things. The fierceness with which we love and the ability to not keal over and die when shit doesn't go according to plan.

The woman who sticks by her broke ass man, feeds him, gasses his car, gives him top that blows his mind as a reminder to bring home the bacon even. She is the shit. She is strong.

The woman that stands by her man when he is cheating on her. She isn't all that stupid. Just in love. She doesn't get props for being walked all over. She does however get props for saying "F^%$ that nigga" and moving on to the next one and actually trusting and loving the new man and trying again whole heartedly at the whole being happy thing.

Heartache sucks. I believe I have been spared from it in its most raw form but I have felt it to a degree. I let it burn if you will and I think I'm stronger because of it. I feel like I'm staying true to that whole women being the biz thing. I'm not delusional and think that I got it in the bag. But I do feel like I am able to overcome and when the whole process is done I should be ok. This post is more for me than you. Had to remind myself in black and white.

Found Treasure

It is so true that one mans trash is another mans treasure. While the so called "trash" I speak of is in no way shape or form trash, in fact he's a pretty awesome person. Grounded in the Lord, very easy on the eyes, a smile to die for, eclectic and genuinely wholesome and sweet. Of course when I had him I couldn't stand him for some reason (I'm unable to recognize and keep good people sometimes), but now he's got another and I couldnt be happier; if anyone deserves it it's him. Yay him!

News Flash

News Flash: The recession is real.

I figured out the scary truth for myself, first hand while supermarketting at Pathmark where I spent $230. I know, I know. Crazy huh? Well lets think for a moment shall we? Of course I'm going to be spending over $200 in groceries when even poor food is too expensive. By poor food I mean dinner in a can... i.e. Spam, Corned Beef, tuna, things like that. A can of those things that you whip together to get some protein, b/c u can't afford chicken or beef was a whopping $4 a can. I kid you not, last year the shit was $1.25. That my friends is a big deal.

I finally get how serious this thing is. I was on the verge of having a myocardial infarct (heart attack). Then I thought about it. The prices of necessities keep rising, pay is not increasing, companies are laying people off left right and center. Last i heard we had reached a total of nearly 600,000 jobs lost... and counting. These aren't just college kids like myself who are hungry hungry hippos. These are heads of households with mouths to feed, mortgages to pay, insurance premiums, gas, utility bills etc. This is disheartening to say the least.

All because some people couldn't manage money well. Now we have this huge problem that we want the Obama to fix. Good luck Mr. President. Please fix these problems, because I can't afford poor food and I'm not ready for airpie and nothing chop sandwiches.

Monday Feels Brand New

Unfortunately, I'm one of those folks who really but a lot of value in being busy. If you're sitting on the couch all the time doing nothing productive with you're time you are lazy. Point. Blank. Period. Welp, that couch potato was me for a minute. But I'm baaaaaaccccckkk! This is my first Monday back and I'm too excited.

I didn't meet my full potential last semester (code for I fucked up royally)But I'm actually really hyped about these classes. I wasn't too thrilled about my major last semester but I feel like I'm fitting in nicely with my surroundings. Guess Mom's praying paid off. =)

Notorious

I'm sorry, but if one more person asks me if I've seen NOTORIOUS Imma scream. I have no intentions of seeing that shit. It makes me sick the way Voletta Wallace and Puffy have capitalized so greatly on the death of Biggie. Ok, so Puffy did it. They were merely friends. But his mom?! That shit is fucked up, I'm sorry. That's your child. I'm sure that everyone is entitled to how they grieve and everyone grieves differently, but one has to admit the dollars may have had some influence on her decision to let Puffy pimp her son and his legacy like a ho to the masses.

How Important is IT exactly?

Sadly, a person's past sexual history greatly effects their current sexual relationship. There are many contributing factors to the downfalls and joys of sex with any sexual partner...such as level of comfort, trust, level of experience and willingness to move towards uncharted territory.

For myself, I am starting to realize that this sex shit, only complicates stuff sometimes. In the past I have been ferocious in my quest for some good good. Often misusing the beauty and intentions of sex (according to God) for another way to get high. We all know that the release of orgasm feels like a fuckin drug...(if it doesn't, then hunny, you are doing it wrong) Welp, apparently, when you're feeling someone, and you are having sex with them as a means of expressing your feelings, they don't exactly feel so good about being used for their goodies. Apparently, it doesnt feel good to the person to just be another casuality or notch on your post of conquest.

So I learned a lot frm Relationship 101. Thought I would switch it up for Possible Relationship 102 (can u tell I'm in school by the course listings)and a sista still can't win! I went from having a lil bit to now being presented with what feels like an ultimatum. Get abstinent or get lost! ::insert gasp here:: I really didn't see me going out like that. I'm finally settling into a new dude, in the phase where I can't keep my hands off of him...I waited for what feels like an eterenity and BOOM. KABLOW. BYE BYE Birdie???!! I must say... I was jih like blown. LOL

Which leads me to my point. How important is it? We clearly feel each other for reasons beyond the surface, sex isn't what the gig was built upon but the benefit package is freaking awesome. So can things last with the termination of some of my benefits? Or is strike in order? It feels like some deliberation with the union is in order. We need to see where we can give up some stuff in order to win and gain the most from the job. We're considering losing our sex benefit in exchange for companionship, friendship, trust, confidence, lastingness, playfulness and mind intimacy like no other. With SEPTA and the MTA possibly losing their vision, dental, and healthcare. It seems that me and my union may have struck up a better deal.

Seeing things in black and white makes a difference.

Simply Put

Unappreciated

I'm Over Ya'll

So I've been rocking with a real fake it till you make it state of mind. There was a pastor I used to listen to and he would say if you claim something that God would make it true. Practice makes habit(not perfect). All of this is to say that I have decided to make the lyrics to Mary J Blige's "Just Fine" really how I think of myself. For a while I wasn't to "fine". I wasn't doing what Mary said is those lyrics.

"So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..FINE!"

I really didn't for a while. That shit is sad to be honest with you reader. I used to look at girlier females (not sure if thats a word) and think "hmmm....maybe I should be a little bit more refined" Most of my friends... Mark in particular lol, have determined I'm just a sexy man. Some times I walk like my balls are in the way. I cuss like a sailer. I smoke blacks, and drink 22oz of Heineken at a time. I don't always cross my legs. I swing first, ask questions later (but I have to be VERY provoked) And I eat like Paul Bunyon. Seriously

This is not to say that I am not lady. And to many I am not by their standards. I've just decided to send a huge FUCK YOU to the commentators. I can hold my own. I can be as sexy as a VS model, I'm confident as peacock. And put a sista in a suit (with a skirt) u can't tell me nothing!

So I saw some chicks last night who I can tell looked at me a ways for how I was acting. Not that it was rude or inappropriate because clearly I live in North Philly where class is soley the definition of going to school. I had a couple of drinks, got a lil tipsed, ate about 6 chicken wings loaded with hot sauce (very sloppy like I might add) Got a lil emotional and smoked my life away. Usually I would get up in the morning and feel mildly disappointed in myself. NOT TODAY! lol. I looked in the mirror and felt good as shit!

(I never really got why people say stuff like that. "Good as shit" how good is shit? "Cold as hell" Riiiggghht. Winter...when it's 10 degrees is cold as the devils house)

So I liked what I saw, I own the adopted attitude n it felt great. =)

Once again, Mary came to the rescue

Your Child

My girl 'Nita who I mention so frequently in my blogs or of people who I am immensely proud of is giving me constant reminders in her blogs (Lyrical Genius link to your right) to be vulnerable and be candid and fearless in expression... im trying it on for size and puttin it all out there.

The new man in my life, who I am more than head over heals for. Who treats me like the queen that I am, who makes me smile with out trying, who is responsible for very sudden and very necessary changes in life is having a major change in his life. Because he is so important to me, most of the changes in his life effect me. Not on a huge scale most of the times but a lot because I care... I'm just that type of chick.

He could be having a baby. Like a real one. Like a smelly diaper, wah wah, cute little bundle of joy who is your responsibility for a minimum of 18 years according to the law. Can we say I am jih like blown! Now the kid isn't here yet and him and the BM are contemplating making termination of pregnancy an option (abortion for all ya'll slow folk)

Apparently '08 was a great year for fucking either raw, or a year in which condom manufactuers nationwide were skimping on the quality of the product and having condoms break all willey nilly. I know at least 5 people this yr alone who were or are pregnant and the shit is sad. Its sad for a host of reasons.

1. Kids are innocent
2. I am pro-coice but I am also very pro-life. I have nothing against women who think it is in the best interest of them and their unborn seed to end their lives.
However I think, for my own personal beliefs that I wouldnt be able to do it. And I am ashamed of myself for wanting this woman, who I do not know from a can of paint to do something that I could never see myself doing for the selfish reason, that I want to be with her childs father. Simply sad.

Women get criminalized in these situations. Either the woman is defamed and made out to be a crazy bitch or ho. And of course "that baby aint mine" syndrome sets in. And she's the one who is probably trying to trap you. But when the the bed was a rocking and those boots were a knocking...shes was all you could think about. You loved her. You cradled her and gave her the same mean ass dick that you give me. So lets not make things what they are not simply because the shit has hit the diaper. I'm just saying.

Men don't have it too easy either. They get hit with the "this nigga aint doing right by me" bit when CLEARLY you were on your BS when ya'll were together! Then there are the poor men who are such stand up guys that they will take care of the child that isnt theirs simply bc they feel like its the right thing to do. And to those men I salute you. I hold every father to the tone that my Daddy has set. I love that man, and he has always done his very best to do right by me and my 4 sisters... and his stepson frm his ex wife. Always being there for the 6 of us and our mothers if necessesary. I wish his breed of man was not such an endangered species.

And finally, my hat goes off to the women who stick by their men and the men who stick by their women NO MATTER WHAT! They don't care which chick is having their mans baby. And because they love their man or woman so much, the child which is a direct reflection of the person they love gets nothing but treated like their own child. No matter how much they can look at that child and see that it is not theirs they love that child unconditionally. My stepmom is one of those type of women. My mothers mom was that type of a woman , and lastly my man's mom is that type of a woman. The question now, (seeing as how this is my blog and all. lol) Am I ready, and do I have what it takes to be that type of a woman?

I think that question is easily answered since I am asking the question. If I was certain there would be no doubt in my mind what so over. But seeing as how our relationship never really left the ground , and we've only been rockin for a few months tops, our foundation aint sturdy enough for that heavy of a load. Love however in my opinion fortifies bonds and grounds as shaky as these. It makes a temporary fortress for that person so that they can cross this bridge of life with someone who loves and cares for them. And maybe when the purpose is served the person bows out gracefully. Who knows?

When he told me the dilema. Which I am realizing is becoming all but too common in this society in this day and age I could do nothing but think of this song, although it isnt super relative. It was all I could sing while washing his dishes at his house.

Funny how Mary has a song for every occasion.

REJECTED!

Ok, so here is the first of two very honest posts.

My ex rejected me. And a bitch is still kinda tight about the shit. Not on some boo hoo wanna go bust the windows out of a niggas car or nun. But more like a ...."Shit, U kno u wanna hang out with me!" lol. Its funny. But I am the biggest believer in Kharma I've rejected many a nigga and I see it is finally my turn. Thats the breaks I guess.

Speaking of breaks I'm getting a car and I can not express how fucking excited I am. I mean, I'm excited like all of the drunk off beer white people were when they found out the Philly's one the world series.

(BTW the shit happened a minute ago, I'm sick of the fucking memorobilia; if you werent there destroying the city with the rest of us, you have no idea wat u missed, no autographed balls can fix that for you) And this is related to the title of the post bc I am rejecting the notion that I should still be excited about that or hope that the Eagles win the SuperBowl.

Santa Baby

Christmas was really better than I expected this year. I definitely cleaned up. Fendi frames, Coach sneakers, Puma bag (thnx B), family heirloom and cash. Did well if you ask me. Then I was talking about the things I received with a co-worker... and I instantly got this thing in my heart for my son. The day named day that he ever decides to go and buy a female who is not his wife, me, sister or something like that some $400 frames Imma whoop his fucking ass. I simply don't get it.

However, they look GREAT on me!

Introdcution

Welcome 2009. Happy New Year and all that jazz. There's this chick who writes this blog that 'Nita put me on too. Honestly, I now read hers, 'Nita and Chris' religiously. By reading these 3 very different yet thoroughly entertaining blogs in addtion to having stimulating conversation with old friends I came to the conclusion that being honest and real with these here blogs are way more beneficial than being censored. So new year, new game plan and development of a different style. Here Goes Nothing!