Not Feelin' It

I don't have a phone. My cats have decided to destroy my house. My dad is sick. School is for some reason still in session. And I'm losing friends like a chemo patient losing hair. I'm trying to remain positive. Not give the devil a reason to do a "Got another Sucker Down in the Dumps" Dance but the only thing I feel at the moment is thoroughly upset. And for some odd reason...the shit keeps piling up on my already shitty day. Anyone got some Charmine?

Comeback Anyone?

So , I got out of class a little early this morning. Did the usual TUMail, Facebook, Blogroll, Youtube thing. You know, the many things you do on the internet before you decide to settle down and actually get to business. Anywho, last night I came across some classic tracks from Aftermath. It blew me away that I knew every single word to all of these songs and got a thinking.....where are these guys?








No Dre, I have not forgotten about u. lol

It is Time

Who are we to judge and proclaim what should happen and in what time frame it should happen. People love to sit there and tell you "It's time that you... (enter your experience here)" The truth of the matter is no one knows another persons' cross or what they go through. As of late, I've heard a lot of :

"Girl, its time, u need to get over it"

"Moss, it's time u go back home, she's not coming back"

"Son, it's time you stop fuckin around and get ur shyt together"

"C'mon, she's a nice girl, its time you settle down"

Guessed I missed was when we were given the little hourglass thingy of life and given the immense responsibility of keeping time. Once again, man decided to take what was His. Damn u Eve for taking the fruit u greedy chick! lol. Now we have biological clocks, deadlines, wrist watches, cell phones that we look at every hour to check what time it is. And the whole time we're checking the time we're wasting time not enjoying the time given. Life is short. Stop clockin it.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Hey There

"I been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump-off"

So, school has been in session for over 2 weeks now. Since then, I've begun classes at Health Sciences Campus (Broad n Tioga). Had some interesting encounters with some very interesting people. Started a new job at Temple University Hospital (I feel your congratulations, thank u). Lost my grandmother (RIP Daisy). Fought with friends. Cried so much that my tears said "Fuck u, I quit." And then today hit. I remembered this little outlet. The almighty BLOGSPOT

Lemme tell you, I really think that not a near nutta (How High) person reads these shits half as much as I do. While on my Emotional Nitro (the best roller coaster ever! Which for the first time since it opened I didn't ride this summer....=( ) I forgot about the beautiful world of bloggin. I figured I'd take this opportunity to shout out the people whose blogs I usually read pretty consistently. Ya'll make me forget for awhile.

Cuz- Honestly. KTH is the shit. I read it....even when u write complete gobbledygook like u did last night after the concert. The shit is refreshing, versatile and hilarious...very much like u buddy

'Nita- The poetry and experiences, both personal and otherwise take such a leap of faith to post. Being that vulnerable, and taking such big risks warrent only one thing....major returns. You're writing just like u is flourishing.

Cal- the chronicles of finishin school AND working on the best DVD collection ever?! Amazing. How dooooooooooo u do it? lol. The random tidbits about Free Willy and the ever famous Little Rascles definitely make for some serious smile crackers. =)

Buke- Bitch, u need to go to ur own classes...not Sahar's and the kids know their Mommies love them. lol

Ciara - Glad ur back in the blog world friend. Now even if I don't c u in person for a day at a time I can still laugh at ur shit. Cudos!

"Some days it aint sunny, but it ain't so hard"

Heard it a million times on Lupe's track but paid attention to the lyric after 'Nita put it on her blog. I try to keep that feeling in my being and in my stride. It helps to have ya'll, n the blogs are great distractions. So for all the bloggers who are trully dedicated to their shyt....Good Job....I salute u!

Ladies VS Women

So, I've been taking this African Dance Class and as the class is now coming to a close, I have learned a lot more than anticipated. Namely the differences between sexuality and sexual exploitation/ lewdness. The differences between being a woman, a female and being a lady. Also I have learned a deep appreciation for the power that women possess. As corny as this may sound to some, I feel deeply saddened that as a people, black women have become so hardened to the various circumstances that we have encountered on this earth that as a means of protection we act tougher, become tougher and callous ourselves. The callouses take away from the delicateness that women are to naturally possess. There is a huge misconception that succumbing to emotions, or feelings such as crying are signs of being a punk or being weak when these are in essence the things that make us women. Our sensitivity to situations, give us far greater insight and make us more able to recognize past mistakes so that we don't do them again.

In the class we move our hips, shake and shimmy our breast and celebrate the essence and force that is a woman.
We celebrate the duty we have of bringing life into the world.
We celebrate being the starting place of creation.
We move and parade our breasts which bring nourishment to the young and provide cushion to our men that no other pillow can provide.
We are a self replenishing sustainer to both young and old.

I've been in this class for over a month now and I finally understand. I finally feel like I have been called to be a lady, in addition to being a woman.

With all of this being said, I'm making a conscious effort to adjust my image that I put forth as a chick who acts like a dude and try to be always regarded as a lady in everything I do. It's been a while at acting the way I do, but I figure I've only been on the earth for 1/5 of my proposed life expectancy and I got a long way to go

"Now say Thank You"

"You know what grinds my gears ?" (True Family Guy fans stand up)

I hate it when someone does something nice for you, you say thank you because your mother raised u...not dragged you up. And you don't get as much as a head nod for being polite. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't rant about this minor infraction, however it happened to me three times in all of 3 minutes; needless to say I was a little overwhelmed. (Sidenote: you can only be overwhelmed or underwhelmed, never whelmed)
Newho. I think it is completely ridicilous for adults to constantly make an effort to make children say please and thank you over and over again when they are young for things such as bottles or food, when these sayings are lost in infantile amnesia or just plain forgotten as you get older. For those of you in blog land please remember to be polite and say please and thank you for they trully are the magic words.

From the mouths of Babes

Her Love

No other love can compare I swear
Shes the only one I know that will always be there
She loves me so much she beats the hell out of me so the world doesnt have to
She makes me try to be more accountable for the things that I do
Must hurt her to sit idly by and watch me make my mistakes
But she loves me that much, whatever it takes
Regardless of the grief and burdens I give she still weathers through
She does it so effortlessly, proof that her love is true
Thankful that I have someone to pick me up when I fall
She's always knows when I need her, don't even have to call
A kiss, a hug, a homecooked meal
Tiny pieces that show how a mother's love is so real

Need You Bad

I find myself completely in love with this song...Sining it extra loud and mighty off key while with friends or in a car kind of like this song. Funny how the brain works. Your subconscious will take a hold of something that your conscious isn't man enough to face and hold on to it until you get a clue. Well my subconscious let me in on to why I like the song so much. Apparently He lied to me and had a relationship with Jazmine Sullivan simultaneously with me because there's no other explanation as to how perfectly the lyrics of the song embody my feelings.

If i had you back in my world
I would prove that i could be a better girl
oh oh oh
If you let me back in
I would sho'nuff never never let you go again(hey baby)
I was so foolish to ever leave your side,
searching for what was right before my eyes
It was me who didn't realize
'till it was gone but now i know i need you in my life

Boy i need you bad as my heartbeat, (bad like the food i eat)
Bad as the air i breath, (baby i want you bad)
I need you bad i cant take this pain, (bad i cant take this pain)
Boy I'm 'bout to go insane (baby i need you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
What i gotta do (baby i want you bad)
I need you,
I need you,
Do it all for you (baby i need you)
Baby there's nothing i wouldn't do to get back what we had when love was true.
(oh oh oh)
No lie I'd give up all i got
Just so i could get back in my spot (Ooooh)

No...I do not think that throwing yourself at someone like this is all good in the hood, however if you know you messed up...the reality and the consequences of the actions eventually catch up and you feel it. It hurts. Life is like a tootsie pop sometimes. You gotta work through a really hard shell, maybe break a tooth trying to crack it but eventually you will arrive to a chocolate center. Naturally I have to get the rock hard lollipop that damn near cut my tongue. It's OK tho. I gotta chocolate center, it was promised to me.

Maybe Not

"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat, it's nothing new
Yeah
I loved you with a fire red now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry lord, the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize"

Too late to apologize? No. Too late to try again or ever be given a second chance? Yes. But definitely never too late to apologize for wronging someone else; regardless of whether or not you have wronged yourself and the other person was a casualty in your own self destruction.

As per usual, as much as things change....they stay the same. Freud understood the human condition for self destruction in writing his Discontents; thankfully there is a major difference between understanding and acceptance. I understand but do not accept my fate of self destruction, although time and time again actions show that self destruction must be my only desire. Time heals ALL wounds and transgressions. Yours and Mine.

Different

I've come to realize that my blogs have no real direction per se. I usually blog when I feel like my head is going to explode with something. And today that something is Chrisette Michele. I'm sorry all true neo-soul fans out there but I getting reaquainted with the sound and have just fallen in love with this woman's voice. (kinda how Eric did for Ariel - Little Mermaid whaddup) But for real, her voice is melodic and enchanting I have been hitting the snooze button way to long on this one. Excuse me while I leave work....walk to Phenominal (which is the opposite direction from my house) to purchase this album

For Real

"Hell is empty, all the devils are here" - William Shakespeare

Enjoying It

Random Person: What you doing today?

Me : Nothing much...enjoying my extended vacation

Random Person : So basically you're doing nothing with your life?

Me: Yup, it's a full time job and I can't take a break from it right now, gotta call you back.

I haven't enjoyed a break this much in as long as I can remember. Not too long and not to short. Just enough time to revamp, and rejuvenate myself for the hard work that I know I have ahead of me in the semester to come. This entire year as I reflect, I feel as though I have had the same type of growth spurt as a 13 year old boy. My voice has changed- Its a lot softer, less angry and a hell of a lot less loud. I've gotten a lot taller as well - I hold my head up a little bit higher and walk with more confidence. I have matured major. He-said-she said and getting the last word are things that I have no use for anymore. And damnit; it feels AMAZING! And I owe it all to this 3 week break where I had nothing to do but enjoy my own company, think and spend some quality time praying; with his help I have put a lot of things into perspective and I feel indestructible, unshakable and lethal to anyone who may try and deter me.

::insert exhale here::

"You see us in the street laughing and acting. Yup, uh huh. Look a lil closer"
- Lil' Kim

You think you can understand a love like ours but its obvious you dont
You only know the superficial, the outward appearence
Because you have no idea what your talking about, refrain from interference
You see what we want you to see
What you see is a mirage created cleverly
Our love is real, our relationship is strong
Trust me, you can't comprehend the basis of our bond
The tears, the laughter and the joys
The fights, the anger and all the noise
The compilation of these things make us who we are
A force to be reckoned with, by far
So when the seas get testy and this union begins to rock
Don't throw out suggestions that should have been made at the dock
Your opinions are a dollar short and 2 years late
You have too much food on yours to begin to digest our plate
When you write the book I'll purchase a copy
Until then please be more low key

Psalm 46 :5

"God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns"

This is the Bible Verse that I have been needing to hear for a very long time. Fortunately a friend invited me to church with her on Saturday (7 Day Adventist) and God handed me a double dose of refuge. I keep forgetting his omnipotence and omnipresence and forget that through out everything not only does he have a front row seat to my life, he actually is the only one who should be holding the controller. This is my downfall. I think I need to start taking daily reminders to let me know that I AM NOT IN CONTROL! Most of the things that happen and that I take the hardest are when I take it upon myself to meddle in God's business of what I believe is "my" life which in actuality is his. The life that I think is mine is ALWAYS better when He is in control.

When I heard this verse, I thought about getting it tatted. Fortunately I reconsidered and realized I don't need to permanently have it written on my body, I need to have it permanently seared in my brain. I need to believe, trust and live as a woman "who will not fall" I need to be adopt and integrate this belief into my everyday strut. When everything is going down around you though, it is quite easy to lose sight of this truth.

Things are not OK. Despite my wonderful defense mechanisms of constant jokes and flashing of a pearly white smile...things are NOT OK. But they will be.

I Will Not Fall!

Not I Said Lauren

Anyone who is around me on a consistant basis knows that often times I say the phrase..."Not I, said Lauren." It sounds silly but all it means is not me, or "I am not the one" (another phrase I say often ) I have decided that I will no longer be the one. I will no longer be the person who will be a sponge and soak up yours or anyone elses drama. I am now starting to reject my own drama and no longer have the time, energy or patience to listen to or be party to your drama. It is exhausting. I know that I have done a prettty good job at stoking the fires to perpetuate the never ending drama that is your story. But sadly they're slowly becoming indirectly my own. This notice is to let it be known, that I AM NO LONGER THE ONE. I take full accountability for my prior actions and my role in making these vicious and unecesssary circles continue but I apologize and gracefully bow out because like I said earlier I AM NO LONGER THE ONE!

Don't be upset. It's not you. It's me. I fucked up before. I'm trying to grow now.

Thank You, That is All.

I am not one of those cool kids who consistenly blogs and my first post in quite some time unfortunately isn't all that great but I had to get it off my chest.

Breaking News!

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! BREAKING NEWS!

Mr. Aaron Lewis and Mr. Raymond Banks have both received their GED results and have passed!!

(The last time I was this proud, my nephew was potty trained)

I am proud of my part in helping them reach their infinite potential but more so proud of the fact that slowly but surely my fellow brothers have shattered the sterotypes that once shackled them. Both of these men have been involved in things that they now know were wrong paths. (I'm not going to give their past lives shine right now)They decided that the roads that they were heading down were not conducive to their success or future happiness, so instead of talking about it they decided to BE about it.

The most unfortunate thing is that there will be no excitement in the street about their most recent accomplishment. There will be no breaking story; or probably not even another word uttered about their achievement other than this forum. That truly upsets me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of people hightlighting and focusing on the negative aspects of our community and not our triumphs. Not things like that fact that over 20% of Temple University's students are hard working black young people. Not focusing on young black people trying to make social and cultural contributions to our society such as those artist in Philalive! I will sound the alarm and let it be heard that these men achieved something positive and I am honored to have the opportunity to have been a part of it.

FYI: [I work at a GED training center on TU Campus called the WELL Program]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program:

Check what Swirls had to say about the matter:

Thou Art Destructive

Everything is Finally Feelin Jus' Fine!

Iight. Things have been a little topsy turvy to say the least in my social circles. Man problems. Women Problems, the whole 9. Finally I feel as though the dust has settled, and there is
NO MORE DRAMA
Finally I feel as though all of those whom I care about have finally reached a plateau of peace; which is truly what I desire not only for my friends but for myself. A feeling of wellness that often times is robbed by petty differences and bad weather.

Shout Outs to Spring for real. Because the sun, a lil' warmer weather and midterms being over I think was exactly what the doctor ordered. This is a song that I love which I saw performed LIVE by Mary and I think it encompasses my current mood perfectly.

Handle Yourself

Don't allow yourself to become upset by other people places or things.

They are powerless.

Your reaction is their only power

Let me Tell You Bout My BEST FRIENDs!

My best friend in the entire universe is the one.....the only JESSSSSSSSICAAAAAAAA CELIANNNNN!!!!! Honestly I love this woman. All we do all day long, is talk on our work phones to one another. I call and she says "Bank of New York"....she calls, I say " WELL Program, Lauren speaking" The funny thing is every single time we call each other, it is guaranteed that we will erupt in laughter. I'm not saying that we always agree or that we never butt heads but at the end of the day no matter how annoying either of us get, I know that she has my back.



Now I do have another best friend...whose birthday is today. We were buggin at the SAC and it dawned on both of us that HEY! We've only known each other for not even 2 years. Even though we havent known each other for that long Belinda and I have shared many intimae, personal, and hilarious moments. I trust, love and respect her.



These two are my homie Gs for life. Don't question it. Accept it.

Let's Talk About Sex

Ok guys. We are grown as we wanna be. We have the rights to use our bodies as freely as we want to. As individuals we are entitled to smoke, drink, fuck, suck, pierce, tattoo, clothe and show our bodies in any way, shape or form that we desire. It is not the right of anyone else to judge you and what you do with yours at any point in time.

BUT....

Please understand people (both the ladies and the fellas) that your body is just that... yours! You should do what you want with your body in a way that you wouldn't feel ashamed or regret at some point. Granted life's mistakes are the recipe of growth and wisdom but be cautious and weary of what you are doing. Look up at the name of this blog LUIAUCD. Loving you includes loving your body and protecting both your health, sanity and heart at all cost. Please consider the consequences of your actions in the long run and not over indulge in the short term VERY TEMPORARY joys of your sexcapeds.

Now let me make myself EXTREMELY clear. Sex is the shit. It is euphoric, recreational, spiritual and sometimes mind boggling. But with out you, sex would not be possible. With out the maintainance of your integrity, self-esteem, pride and wellness with your self you are cheapening and robbing yourself of the heights that sex can provide.You need to recognize that YOU are the shit and with out u... sex would be nonexistent.

I suggest we all take the time to become intimate with ourselves before becoming intimate with one another. Relationships, peace of mind, and reputations would be spared if we would all just take a moment to THINK BEFORE WE ACT. I ain't tellin you how to live just doing my part in hoping that you consider things from all angles.

Yummy

I love the way you take your time.
Gazing at it lovingly and longingly like your a famished hungry man that hasnt eaten in days.
I love the way you peel past that layer of fuzzy covering.
I love the way your face lights up when you uncover what you wanted the whole time.
I love how satisfied you look when you search and search and are finally hit by the most fulfilling, juiciest, most succulent taste your tongue only dreamed of.
I love how greedy you are with it, being selfish and wanting it all to yourself.

But hold up..... can I get a piece of that peach ur eating sir?

JAZZ Hip Hop's Ancestor.

Let's be clear, I am in no way shape or form a hip-hop head and no I do not know everything about music but I do know what is relevant to me.... I'm guessing that's the point of blogging huh?

I went on to Launch to do my HW but I have firefox and it denied me access. So I ended up at AOL radio listening to Jazz. Honestly, I truly feel, it doesn't get its due credit. It has been out lived and is now the grandfather of the adult who is now hip-hop. Still respected, still loved and still given its rights on the strength that it's been around and seen a few things. Listening to it now is just like listening to that Grandma or Granddad who knows exactly what to say with out saying a word, it was all in a look; with jazz it's all in the sound. Sometimes it puts you back in your place as a youngster and makes you take the time to appreciate to listen and to hear something sage, something that knows more. YES- there was something before 8 tracks and vinyl. Plain instruments that were responsible for being the soundtrack of oppressed people who had issues that many of us can never even fathom. Jim Crow, lynchings, segregation, no legal liquor (can u imagine such a horrendous fate?) Feelings that we have open mic nights, iPods, cassettes, CDs and headphones to cater to.

I absolutely love jazz, and miss CD 101.9 (New Yorkers know wassup)
Jazz does have a way of taking over the senses once it is introduced properly with a melody that the listener can follow. Jazz in my opinion is just like a painting or a sculpture, completely open to interpretation. I love listening to it until it crosses over my other senses into me seeing it. Listening to jazz can begin as jus hearing some notes arranged beautifully (which is all music is) and then feeling sad or happy?? Thats wild. Listening to just a few notes and wishing that, that someone special was sitting right there next to you journeying off to the same places that you can only venture together, in your thoughts with out even speaking a word. What other medium can do that? I know I live in an era where hip-hop and pop are the soundtrack to so many of my peers lives and that is all well and good. They are relative and personal to them. Jazz roots are in the present and were the soundtrack for books such as Sula and the Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. Or movies such as Love Jones. Sex, trust, love, passion, anger, revenge....all derived from sound, minus the clutter of words. To me jazz is the most boisterous element in a room that never even has to utter a word. Its just like that Grandparent that we know is there. We know without whom we wouldn't exist. We can never understand truly where she is comin from but we know its right. I dunno thats how I feel when I listen to her. - Jazz that is. I feel right, like I... a product of the hip hop realm am being takin in for a while by Grandma simply to remember and regroup right before being thrown right back in to reality. The presence and the force that is hip-hop. Everyone needs to regroup sometimes. You appreciate the present and feel it more when you do.