Back slider. Such a negative connotation. Here's the deal. I'm one of those kids who was grounded in the Lord. Been going to church before I was going to school. My mom did right by me. She made it her perogative to make sure that I had a basis, a foundation if you will in the Lord. She did everything in her power to foster my relationship with the Lord and planted the seed in my heart so that when I got older I would be able to make me and Jesus' relationship work, We would be able to go on my own.
Unfortunately, life got in the way. Life and public school. I never went but I sure did feel the world. Put a bunch of church kids from all over the 5 boroughs in the woods with minimal supervision. Yea, u do the math. That whole, trying to bring your kid up right thing goes out the window with a game of spin the bottle, hide n go get, and truth or dare.
Here's the problem. I'm 20 and feeling the conflict more than ever. Love to play those little kid games on a grown up scale. (I go to school and live away from my mommy. lol. supervision is not even in my vocabulary) I have always felt this feeling of being in an intense game of tug-of-war. I feel Mr. Man pulling me one way. With the sweet nothings, kisses, the horizontal mambo etc. and then I feel this need to be in church. Like I fien to listen to the choir in the morning. I feel like I need and want to be closer to Him but can't give up certain things of the world. I know that it is in my best interest. I ain't missing much and I got a whole lot more to gain by getting up and listening to the call to hasten to the throne but I feel like it has to be a clear cut choice. Like there is no in between. No half stepping. No being a Sabbath Christian for me. I hate the picking and the chosing of which of His commands I'm gonna listen to or not today. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but should it feel so impossible?
I haven't been to church since the new year began. And I genuinely attribute the fact that the new year hasn't been all that great to that. Why is it so easy to get a txt to go the bar or to a party, not want to go but get so easily convinced to go even when your spirit is simply saying to sit ya lil ass still. But mess around and know that you got church at 11 and that bed has never felt so comfortable. Tired isn't even the word, you are mysteriously exhausted from the whole week and need to sleep. I need my Mommy to hold my hand or something but something's got to give. I can't keep living like this. Getting to work or class for 8:40 aint that hard but 11 AM service is the jack. I am so disappointed in myself. For this more than anything.
How can everything else get shine but the Light? Humans baffle me.
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2 comments:
but 11 AM service is the jack.. girl, imagine trying to make it to the 7AM with your roommates. thats THE ultimate jack lol
..and in regards to "that" post a few posts from this one- hmph.
I completely understand.For a moment in life, I struggled so badly. I've cried many nights over this. This internal battle betwen the things of the world and my spiritual path. And now I have not made much progress. When I was young I used to laugh when the pastor yelled "BACK SLIDER". I didn't truly understand the definition of these two words. Now that I do, I understand that when he yells those words he is speaking directly to me. I am living moment to moment with my Christianity. What I mean by this is, I am of God one moment and then I back slide and become of this world. I am steadily coming to realize that there is no in between, you have to completely, 100% give yourself to God and leave your back sliding ways in the past. I hope one day to achieve this. It would bring me such internal joy and a sense of bliss.
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