Sliding Back

Back slider. Such a negative connotation. Here's the deal. I'm one of those kids who was grounded in the Lord. Been going to church before I was going to school. My mom did right by me. She made it her perogative to make sure that I had a basis, a foundation if you will in the Lord. She did everything in her power to foster my relationship with the Lord and planted the seed in my heart so that when I got older I would be able to make me and Jesus' relationship work, We would be able to go on my own.

Unfortunately, life got in the way. Life and public school. I never went but I sure did feel the world. Put a bunch of church kids from all over the 5 boroughs in the woods with minimal supervision. Yea, u do the math. That whole, trying to bring your kid up right thing goes out the window with a game of spin the bottle, hide n go get, and truth or dare.

Here's the problem. I'm 20 and feeling the conflict more than ever. Love to play those little kid games on a grown up scale. (I go to school and live away from my mommy. lol. supervision is not even in my vocabulary) I have always felt this feeling of being in an intense game of tug-of-war. I feel Mr. Man pulling me one way. With the sweet nothings, kisses, the horizontal mambo etc. and then I feel this need to be in church. Like I fien to listen to the choir in the morning. I feel like I need and want to be closer to Him but can't give up certain things of the world. I know that it is in my best interest. I ain't missing much and I got a whole lot more to gain by getting up and listening to the call to hasten to the throne but I feel like it has to be a clear cut choice. Like there is no in between. No half stepping. No being a Sabbath Christian for me. I hate the picking and the chosing of which of His commands I'm gonna listen to or not today. Nobody told me the road would be easy, but should it feel so impossible?

I haven't been to church since the new year began. And I genuinely attribute the fact that the new year hasn't been all that great to that. Why is it so easy to get a txt to go the bar or to a party, not want to go but get so easily convinced to go even when your spirit is simply saying to sit ya lil ass still. But mess around and know that you got church at 11 and that bed has never felt so comfortable. Tired isn't even the word, you are mysteriously exhausted from the whole week and need to sleep. I need my Mommy to hold my hand or something but something's got to give. I can't keep living like this. Getting to work or class for 8:40 aint that hard but 11 AM service is the jack. I am so disappointed in myself. For this more than anything.

How can everything else get shine but the Light? Humans baffle me.

Women are the Biz ( By Women I mean ME)

Women are the biz. Hands down. I feel like we have overcome so much. I am really happy that Barack won the election and all but I do feel in my heart of hearts that Hil would have done an excellent job as well. This isn't really a political post, its a testiment to woman and their ability to move on from things. The fierceness with which we love and the ability to not keal over and die when shit doesn't go according to plan.

The woman who sticks by her broke ass man, feeds him, gasses his car, gives him top that blows his mind as a reminder to bring home the bacon even. She is the shit. She is strong.

The woman that stands by her man when he is cheating on her. She isn't all that stupid. Just in love. She doesn't get props for being walked all over. She does however get props for saying "F^%$ that nigga" and moving on to the next one and actually trusting and loving the new man and trying again whole heartedly at the whole being happy thing.

Heartache sucks. I believe I have been spared from it in its most raw form but I have felt it to a degree. I let it burn if you will and I think I'm stronger because of it. I feel like I'm staying true to that whole women being the biz thing. I'm not delusional and think that I got it in the bag. But I do feel like I am able to overcome and when the whole process is done I should be ok. This post is more for me than you. Had to remind myself in black and white.

Found Treasure

It is so true that one mans trash is another mans treasure. While the so called "trash" I speak of is in no way shape or form trash, in fact he's a pretty awesome person. Grounded in the Lord, very easy on the eyes, a smile to die for, eclectic and genuinely wholesome and sweet. Of course when I had him I couldn't stand him for some reason (I'm unable to recognize and keep good people sometimes), but now he's got another and I couldnt be happier; if anyone deserves it it's him. Yay him!

News Flash

News Flash: The recession is real.

I figured out the scary truth for myself, first hand while supermarketting at Pathmark where I spent $230. I know, I know. Crazy huh? Well lets think for a moment shall we? Of course I'm going to be spending over $200 in groceries when even poor food is too expensive. By poor food I mean dinner in a can... i.e. Spam, Corned Beef, tuna, things like that. A can of those things that you whip together to get some protein, b/c u can't afford chicken or beef was a whopping $4 a can. I kid you not, last year the shit was $1.25. That my friends is a big deal.

I finally get how serious this thing is. I was on the verge of having a myocardial infarct (heart attack). Then I thought about it. The prices of necessities keep rising, pay is not increasing, companies are laying people off left right and center. Last i heard we had reached a total of nearly 600,000 jobs lost... and counting. These aren't just college kids like myself who are hungry hungry hippos. These are heads of households with mouths to feed, mortgages to pay, insurance premiums, gas, utility bills etc. This is disheartening to say the least.

All because some people couldn't manage money well. Now we have this huge problem that we want the Obama to fix. Good luck Mr. President. Please fix these problems, because I can't afford poor food and I'm not ready for airpie and nothing chop sandwiches.

Monday Feels Brand New

Unfortunately, I'm one of those folks who really but a lot of value in being busy. If you're sitting on the couch all the time doing nothing productive with you're time you are lazy. Point. Blank. Period. Welp, that couch potato was me for a minute. But I'm baaaaaaccccckkk! This is my first Monday back and I'm too excited.

I didn't meet my full potential last semester (code for I fucked up royally)But I'm actually really hyped about these classes. I wasn't too thrilled about my major last semester but I feel like I'm fitting in nicely with my surroundings. Guess Mom's praying paid off. =)

Notorious

I'm sorry, but if one more person asks me if I've seen NOTORIOUS Imma scream. I have no intentions of seeing that shit. It makes me sick the way Voletta Wallace and Puffy have capitalized so greatly on the death of Biggie. Ok, so Puffy did it. They were merely friends. But his mom?! That shit is fucked up, I'm sorry. That's your child. I'm sure that everyone is entitled to how they grieve and everyone grieves differently, but one has to admit the dollars may have had some influence on her decision to let Puffy pimp her son and his legacy like a ho to the masses.

How Important is IT exactly?

Sadly, a person's past sexual history greatly effects their current sexual relationship. There are many contributing factors to the downfalls and joys of sex with any sexual partner...such as level of comfort, trust, level of experience and willingness to move towards uncharted territory.

For myself, I am starting to realize that this sex shit, only complicates stuff sometimes. In the past I have been ferocious in my quest for some good good. Often misusing the beauty and intentions of sex (according to God) for another way to get high. We all know that the release of orgasm feels like a fuckin drug...(if it doesn't, then hunny, you are doing it wrong) Welp, apparently, when you're feeling someone, and you are having sex with them as a means of expressing your feelings, they don't exactly feel so good about being used for their goodies. Apparently, it doesnt feel good to the person to just be another casuality or notch on your post of conquest.

So I learned a lot frm Relationship 101. Thought I would switch it up for Possible Relationship 102 (can u tell I'm in school by the course listings)and a sista still can't win! I went from having a lil bit to now being presented with what feels like an ultimatum. Get abstinent or get lost! ::insert gasp here:: I really didn't see me going out like that. I'm finally settling into a new dude, in the phase where I can't keep my hands off of him...I waited for what feels like an eterenity and BOOM. KABLOW. BYE BYE Birdie???!! I must say... I was jih like blown. LOL

Which leads me to my point. How important is it? We clearly feel each other for reasons beyond the surface, sex isn't what the gig was built upon but the benefit package is freaking awesome. So can things last with the termination of some of my benefits? Or is strike in order? It feels like some deliberation with the union is in order. We need to see where we can give up some stuff in order to win and gain the most from the job. We're considering losing our sex benefit in exchange for companionship, friendship, trust, confidence, lastingness, playfulness and mind intimacy like no other. With SEPTA and the MTA possibly losing their vision, dental, and healthcare. It seems that me and my union may have struck up a better deal.

Seeing things in black and white makes a difference.